Money issueQuestion:I'm dating a guy who makes me really happy. We get each other and come from similar backgrounds. I am really a simple date and don't need a guy to spend a lot on me, but whenever we go out, he won't go anywhere that costs money. If we go to a lounge, he won't even order a drink. One night, I insisted I was taking him out to eat and I would pay for dinner. Even then, he insisted we only order one plate and share it. He was right, it was a large enough portion. Right now, it doesn't bother me and I can understand if he is tight with the economy and all, and I want to stand by him in good and tough times. But I am scared that stinginess can really make life miserable down the road, in ways I have yet to imagine. How do I know and how should I deal with this?Answer:I am very happy he can make you happy by just looking at you. And I am very happy for him that he found such a great low maintenance girl. But I am not happy that he doesn’t invest in you! A man must invest in the woman he dates. My ultimate rule regarding real love is: the one who gives is the one who loves. Giving makes you attached to the person you give to. Just as a mother gets attached to her child because she keeps giving, a man/woman can get attached to the person they invest in. It makes sense. Doesn't it? Ask yourself, did he give you anything beside money? Did he write you a nice note to express his feelings to you? Did he make something special for you? Did he buy you a single rose? Did he invest in other ways of giving into the relationship? If all your answers to my questions are “NO”, you have a serious problem. You are dating someone with a “unique” personality. I know that now you feel that he makes you happy. But you are not! The fact that you emailed me and asked for my advice is already a huge sign for me that you are not happy as you wish to be. So, what next? Talk! Share and express your feelings with him. Tell him how YOU feel when you go out and he doesn’t buy anything for you. Tell him about all your concerns. Another option is to give him a book about the importance of giving in order to strengthen a relationship. Don’t fear. One of the most important ingredients in real connection that will guarantee a long lasting happy relationship is the capacity to communicate with each other and talk about everything, especially about the things that we are not so comfortable talking about. Good luck!
Childhood sweetheart.Question:I am dating a boy and we really connect. But there is the childhood sweetheart who is now married who always calls him and although they insist they are only good friends, it makes me uncomfortable. Am I being irrationally jealous or is this a sort of emotional cheating?Answer:Good relationships are good because the couple talks about everything. Whether it is called emotional cheating or not is another question. But what I am more concerned about right now is the fact that that this relationship between your BF and his childhood sweetheart bothers you and he ignores it! This is the problem in my eyes. Aren’t you supposed to be happy? Isn’t he supposed to make you happy? And NO, you aren’t being irrationally jealous. I believe that many men or women who confront similar experiences would feel the same. Actually there are some serious studies that support your feelings. Go ahead, open your heart to him and tell him how YOU feel. And if he still ignores your feelings, then you are dealing with a man that doesn’t care about your feelings. And this is a problem! I would suggest thinking twice if you want to marry someone who cares about his feelings only!
Hidden child.Question:I started dating this woman and on the third date, she brought me home and I met her seven year old daughter. I have never been married before and I had no idea that this woman was a mommy. I really like her, but she blindsided me by not telling me she had a kid. Chances are I never would have dated her if I’d known. Now that I know her, and know about her kid, I’m confused.Answer:Many circumstances can be viewed in two different ways, both positive and negative. Your specific case is no different. On the one hand, you were somewhat misled and not informed by your date about her daughter. On the other hand, I can also understand your friend’s behavior. We live in a generation in which people are quick to judge others. Many men would be reluctant to date a woman with a child, without even giving the woman a chance to show how sweet and good-hearted she might actually be. Additionally, your friend did reveal to you very early on in the relationship, that she has a daughter. However, you should keep your eyes open to see if this woman has a pattern of misleading in other cases. I suggest you give her and yourself a chance, especially if she has found favor in your eyes. And meanwhile try to find out more about her. Good luck!
No kiss on the first date?
I went on a first date with this really hot chick and I thought it was a go. When it came time to kiss goodnight, I leaned in and she told me that she never kisses on a first date. I couldn’t figure out if she was blowing me off or if she really meant it? Should I bother calling her again?
Of course you should call her again. You never know the real intentions of the woman you are dating until you talk about them. Go ahead and call her especially since you felt that it was going well. One of two things may happen: She may not want to date you again even though you felt it was great. Or, she might be very interested in you but is not into kissing before she knows who she is kissing. Fair enough. Isn’t it?
There is a new shift in the dating world today. People are turning back to the “old-fashioned” dating style in order to combat the unfulfilling dating system that substitutes romantic love for the real substance of true love! I personally don’t suggest “connecting with your lips” on your first date. Why? If you are sincerely looking for true love, you should begin connecting with your heart on that first date. Using your lips to talk is a much better way to end a first date and, hopefully begin a lifetime together.
I met a woman online but I suspect she’s a “player.” I suspect that because she always seems to be online and too busy to talk to me. I really like this girl and think we have a lot in common. Should I pursue her more aggressively?
- I wouldn’t rush to judge her by saying that she is a player just because she doesn’t answer you. Give her the benefits of the doubt. It is possible that she is interested in another man and is busy with him. Or maybe she isn’t interested in you. In any case, these two options don’t make her a player.
- Take into consideration that dating sites can be confusing! Many people talk to many other people and it is very hard to keep your attention span focused. Maybe she plays it cool because she doesn’t know your real intentions. Maybe she thinks that you are a player. Clarity is important. I suggest you be direct with her and reveal your true intentions. Tell her," I am looking for a sincere relationship and I think that there is potential between us." Tell her," I would like to take you out and get to know you better." Then wait and see. If she doesn’t answer, it should be clear to you that she isn’t interested in you (or at least not for now). Move on. In any case, living with speculations isn’t a good option. So ask directly and clear your doubts.
Who calls first?
I’ve been emailing with a guy I met and he wants to talk on the phone, only he’s given me HIS number. I have read all the rule books that say the guy should call the woman. Should I play by the rules?
First find out who is this guy. Second, if you found him to be trustworthy, tell him gently that you do not initiate phone calls and if he is interested in you , he should call you. After you know each other well you can also be the one to call him.
Living together?QUESTION:I’m thinking of taking the “next step” with a man I’ve met on date.com. We’ve been dating for six months. We want to move in together. What do you think?ANSWER:If you are looking for real long lasting love and commitment--a relationship with a man that will give you a real and deep level of connection, then living together isn’t a good idea at all.I know what you’re going to say: “But we want to live together to make sure we’re compatible!”I say: Yes, this sounds logical, but statistics actually prove a strong correlation between cohabitation before marriage and divorce. Therefore, your strategy is one that a lot of other people have tried, and while it looks good on paper, it doesn’t actually work.Maybe you want to say, “What is the big deal? It will basically be like being married.”I say: No, it won’t. Studies show that couples who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages.Or perhaps you are hesitant to rush into marriage because the divorce rate is so daunting.I say: I totally understand. It is scary. But again, the divorce rate is higher for couples who live together before marriage. Look, neither of you wants to marry someone you are not sure about. But living together isn’t going to make you any more certain of your feelings for each other. It’s just going to lodge you in limbo and waste precious time.And finally, if you tell me: “Statistics prove that marriage doesn’t work. I can’t think of any reason why being married would be preferable to what we’re doing now.”I say: Studies on marriages show that married people have higher incomes and greater wealth, engage less frequently in risky behaviors, eat more healthily, and have fewer psychological problems than unmarried people.My suggestion: If you feel you are ready for “the next step” – start talking about marriage!