When boot-cut jeans were in style, no one could have anticipated the rise of skinny jeans. When the Beatles were making girls faint, no one could have imagined that one day their songs would play softly in department stores. Some fads are so pervasive, it’s hard to picture the world without them. It’s hard to even call them fads.
These days, a lot of men are treating commitment like last year’s jeans, like something no longer relevant, no longer cool, and about as necessary as their old Beanie Baby collections. According to a study done at Rutgers University, Men are in no great hurry to get married. “Unlike women, they have no biological clock to impose a strict time limit on fertility” (16).
But is it fair to move commitment from the What’s Hot list to the What’s Not list? After all, we’re talking about something that, until recently, had thrived since the beginning of time, as classic as the pearl choker, as natural, desirable, and essential as breathing. Women know it. But these days, men are confused.
In my years, I have seen three kinds of people.
1. People who can’t make a decision
- Constantly remind yourself who you are. You are a person with self-esteem; you don't rely on others to feel good. You know your strengths and you use them to overcome your weaknesses. Every day, make a list of all you accomplished. Even getting through the day without looking at his closed Facebook profile is an accomplishment worth noting.
- Start building a support network or leaning more on the one you already have. Even when you don't feel like going out, go out. Just for a little while. Just for coffee. Join clubs, organizations, and charitable groups that match your interests.
- Change your thinking. You cannot control what he does, only how you react. For example, if you keep thinking, “He doesn't love me because I'm unlovable,” learn to replace that unhealthy thought pattern with, “We're not a match. He's not the one.” So he didn't appreciate you. Fine. But someone will. And the sooner you get rid of the guy who doesn't, the sooner you'll find the one who does.
- Do things for others. It will get you out of your own head.
- Last but not least, pray. Prayer works. Pray for clarity and inner strength. Your Creator will help you when you strengthen your faith. Believe not just that He is there, but that you can trust Him. He will solve your problems if you let him. He created you, so who in the world could possibly care for you more? God is available 24/7. You don't need an appointment. He will never judge you harshly or talk behind your back. He will never betray you by spreading rumors. And remember: Prayer is free. In this economy, you can't afford not to pray!
Help! I can't stop thinking about the guy
Yaay! He's gone! He left the country! But he keeps emailing me, inviting me (because I'm his “very close friend”) to visit. He keeps promising that he's coming back. By now, I know better than to get my hopes up. No matter what kinds of “hints” I think he's dropping, we're just friends. Just. Friends. But even if I don't respond to his emails, I can't say I'm not stalking him on Facebook. I can't say I'll just cut him out of my life. I mean, I've known him for years! No need to burn a bridge or act all dramatic. Right? Help!
You try to distract yourself. You hang out with other friends. You go to the gym. Maybe you even go out on a date or two. But you can't stop checking your cell phone. You can't stop thinking about him. Reminders of him are everywhere. The thought of him being with someone else makes you ill. If you run into him (by total coincidence, of course; not because you're stalking him or anything), your pulse races out of control. His doesn't. He just seems glad to see you. Except when he seems as if he couldn't care less. But you're always on good terms. Of course you are! He's your friend! Right?
This is a sadly common phenomenon: women maintaining “friendships” with men who give nothing in return. These are flimsy relationships. They won't nourish you. They won't go anywhere. They don't mean much. They just fill a void.
This void is deep inside all of us. It's our desire to give of ourselves. We were created in the image of the ultimate Giver, and we want to emulate that holy act. That impulse you have to take care of a man who does nothing for you? To buy a dog? To cook for someone? Yup, that's your void. Don't feel bad about it. It comes from a good place.
But now what?
The solution? Click here: http://www.aish.com/d/w/Unrequited_Love.html
The world of dating in the United States is undergoing a palpable change in focus. Whereas recent decades were defined by more superficial and secular values during courtships, today's singles -- both as individuals and in their relationships -- increasingly returning spirituality as a guiding force in finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. The reason?
Many singles have regained an awareness that prioritizing the spiritual in their quest for a life partner will lead them to a more giving, caring, and loyal relationship. That's for two reasons. First, those qualities are rooted in one's inner self rather than one's materialistic or physical drives. Deep down, everyone desires above all to feel loved and respected for their unique inner being. Second, most Americans believe in a Higher Power, and that this Power, that many call God, commanded us to treat one another respectfully. While viewing another as a means to satisfy one's physical or materialistic pleasures will inevitably lead to disrespect and hurtful behavior, a spiritual connection necessarily will elevate the bond. Simply put: to find a soul mate, singles must connect with their soul. And thank God, that's just the trend we see today.
What Exactly Is Compatibility?
Being compatible does not mean that you both like puppies, lasagna, and Wyclef Jean. Those are shallow interests that you have in common. Common interests are a bonus, but by no stretch of the imagination do they make two people compatible. It’s also a bonus—but again not a measure of compatibility—if you come from similar backgrounds.
Compatibility has more to do with whether or not your future goals line up, what his religious values are compared to yours, and whether or not you have similar views on family and more.
Don’t delude yourself into thinking that your Prince Charming will be flawless. Everyone is flawed. The question is: Are his flaws manageable or are they deal-breakers? For example, if you want children and he hates children, that’s probably a deal-breaker. If he has a tendency to get drunk and abusive, that’s a deal-breaker. If he chews too loudly or interrupts when he gets excited…well, those are probably things you can work on.
- Look at him while he talks. Don’t glance around the room, play with your hair, or root through your purse.
- Don’t answer your phone. Whoever it is can leave a message.
- Look him in the eye.
- Nod encouragingly and ask questions, so he knows that you’re not just staring at him, spacing out.
- Squelch the urge to interrupt. You should be listening to him, not thinking about what you want to say next.
Ever wonder why the most gorgeous girl you know can’t hold a guy’s attention in conversation? There’s a good chance it’s because she’s lost touch with her natural, feminine ability to listen. That’s right, as a woman, you were born with the special gift of communication, but like the sweater you got for your birthday last year, sometimes this gift gets tucked away in the back of the closet and forgotten.
Your special communication abilities, particularly your listening skills, are a huge advantage when it comes to men. If you listen well, he will want to open up to you. That dynamic creates a sense of connection for both of you.
The truth is, most men don’t sit around with their buddies hashing out their feelings. You, on the other hand, have your girl friends, who will hold your hand and let you cry. You have your sisters. You have your mother. Many studies prove that women communicate with each other all the time. Women are encouraged to communicate. Men, on the other hand, are not. So imagine the great relief you’re providing when you listen to a man: In a way, you are single-handedly becoming his entire support network. If you let a man open up to you, if you listen and empathize, there’s a good chance he’ll never want to let you go.
Once you know that he has two older sisters and he knows that you grew up in the suburbs, it’s time to go deeper. He is no longer a complete stranger. You can reveal a little more. Who are you?
You are not your career. You are not where you grew up. You are a composite of your life experiences, your strengths, your weaknesses, your goals, your dreams, and your fears.